What did you say???

Extracted from real complaints:

• “…It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow”.
• “My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it….”
• “…He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.”
• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off…”
• “I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage…”
• “…. and their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.”
• “I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off…”
• “My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?”
• “I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.”
• “Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and she is now pregnant.”
• “I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen, 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy…”
• “…I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.”
• “The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.”
• “…Will you please send a man to look at my water.It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.”
• “Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
• “I want to complain about the farm across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its getting too much for me.”
• “The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.”
• “Our kitchen floor is damp.We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.”
• “I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.”
• “Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.”
• “I have had the Clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.”
• “…This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2″
• “In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.”
• “This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
• “Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.”